I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
