Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
