I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
