Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
