I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
