He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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