My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
This is the high leading the old right now
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im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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