I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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