I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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