so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
