Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
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I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
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You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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