just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
