WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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