I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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