Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize