At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
