I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
