So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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