Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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