what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
