90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
