Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
