how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
