I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
