My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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