i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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