just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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