I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
