I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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