he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
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youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
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The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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