While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
