also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
