i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
