i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
