Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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