he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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