woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
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You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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