The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
