I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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