I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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