I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
