i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Mom said you looked used
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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