if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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