Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
