hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
