Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
