I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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