Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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