Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
