I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
