my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
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We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
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I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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