im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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