I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
