I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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