Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
