Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
